The Communication Confusion
Every good relationship starts with good communication. Or at least it sounds good to say that but it may not be the case. A recent research study performed by researchers at Indiana University, examined almost 300 undergraduates of both sexes to determine their ability to detect sexual interest. They were shown 280 photographs of women and were asked if the expression on the woman’s face was friendly, sexually interested, or rejecting.
Oddly enough, men often mistook friendly for sexually interested and sexually interested as friendly.
What does this mean to us men? It means that when that woman we are friends with is acting like she is into us, she probably isn’t. I have a lot of female friends who get frustrated that all their guy friends want to suddenly date and get upset over the fact that they received ‘mixed signals’. Yeah, no mixed signals, they were just being friendly.
More to the point, it is critical for a man who wants to enter the world of dating and have some sense of accomplishment to understand the nuances of body language. Calling some elements of body language ‘nuance’ is a complete understatement. The following is a quick guide to body language:
1. She is looking at you. This isn’t foolproof. If you are wearing antlers and dancing on the bar in a drunken rendition of the Electric Slide, she may be looking at you, but probably not in a good way. Unless she jumps up on the bar with you, it is safe to assume she is gaping at the car accident. What is key is the look, look away, and look again move. What is difficult is catching this without staring at her. She may then be looking up to look at you to see if you are still staring.
2. The laugh. Did you just say something mildly funny? Maybe you retold a witticism you heard from Jon Stewart, or retold that one story about that one time when you were in that one place and she laughed, not a soft “I’m supposed to insert laughter here” laugh but a genuine laugh? Then she is digging you.
3. The questions. Does she seem to ask a lot of different questions about you? Unless she is trying to fill the silence with idle chatter and is asking you questions about whether you think it will rain or not, there is a good chance that she is into you. Women who are interested want to know about you and will ask questions and actually listen to the answers. How do you know this is happening? The follow-up question.
4. The touch. This is huge. Does she find a reason to touch you? Touch your hand, fix your collar, or just lean against you if possible? This is the riskiest move she can make from her perspective – initiating contact, but is the most commonly confused by men. The subtle pretense she used to initiate the touch is often thought of as valid by the man. Adjusting a shirt collar? It needed to be adjusted. Being leaned against? That other person needed to walk by and she was just making room. The touch on the arm in the midst of a conversation? She is trying to get your attention so she can say something or she is excited and doesn’t realize what she is doing.
There are countless number of books and websites devoted to interpreting body language. After reading all of them, I’d still be an idiot about how to do it? The fundamental factor involved here goes to the heart of a lot of dating issues: fear of rejection. The fear that the woman crawling over the table giving me that sexy look isn’t interested in me and if I make a move she’ll reject me will always be present. Even if I am married to her.
As the study seemed to indicate, we have two options as men: assume every friendly woman wants us, or assume they don’t. The option that seems safer to us indicates a lot about our personalities.
